since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
