had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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