I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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