So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
