Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
