oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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