we have officially lost it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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