I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
