You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
