i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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