he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
