I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
