I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
