I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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