she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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