Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
