if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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