wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
