I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
