the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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