I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
