I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
