If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
