You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
