I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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