what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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