my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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