I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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