Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
