I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
