so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
