and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
