He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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