I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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