there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
