Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
