Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
