you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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