Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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