wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
