I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
