That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Drunk is not a location!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
