If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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