so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
