It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
