come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
