he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
