Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
