she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
