if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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