Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
